


A World Where I Can Be Me

by Forest_Girl



Series: Merstuck drabbles written at 3 in the morning [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Characters will be added later on, F/F, F/M, I will if someone asks me to though, Kankri actually cares about people, M/M, Mentions of Death, So i'll tag that when it comes up, Their kismesistude is borderline abusive, between Eridan and Sollux, but it is temporary and not graphic, but we won't see that until..., chapter 3?, despite appearing like an apathetic asshole, including his brother, maybe? - Freeform, mentions of a slightly abusive relationship, so i'm not adding the major warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-18 17:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2356199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forest_Girl/pseuds/Forest_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kankri knew that something was wrong with his brother after he had yelled at him at the docks, he just knew it but he dealt with it in the worse way.</p><p>Now he could be accused of killing his brother, because no one will believe him if he says that mermaids dragged him down to drown. Even then that isn't the truth.</p><p>Continuation of 'A Pansexual Beach Filled With Idiots.' Will contain pictures from tumblr user ikimaru.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Moral is Don't Spy On Otheres

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE NOTE
> 
> This chapter contains some slightly dark things in it near the middle and end, mentioning the possibility of death and a very chaotic writing style compared to the last story. Skipping this chapter is completely okay, and is not an absolute necessity to read. If you are not okay with this, then please wait until Chapter 2 is posted.

Kankri took slow, measured steps towards the pile of rocks. It wasn't like he was _scared_ or something, heaven forbid, it's just... well.

It was an odd combination of him thinking and nerves that kept him from walking at a normal pace. He was anxious, after all it's not every day you meet a mythical creature, but he wasn't scared to the point where he would freeze up in fear.

No, what he was scared of was Karkat's current condition. Ever since the second day of their vacation, he would wait out on the dock and just sit there, looking into the water as if a fish were going to jump out at him. While it was nice to see that his brother was somewhat meditative in spite of his previous raging attitude, it was also concerning that he would stay at the dock from the afternoon to sunset. Even their father had started to notice the odd behavior of Karkat.

And, for all extensive purposes, Kankri couldn't help but wonder if the odd merman he had seen two days ago that kept Karkat in this state. So the older sibling was going to try to hide behind the rock pile and watch his brother, just out of concern of course! He wasn't spying he was just... protecting his little brother without his knowledge. TOTALLY not spying.

...Okay he was spying, but he was worried for his brother. It was very odd, if not completely unfamiliar for Kankri to see his brother calm for once. And after seeing that (TW: swearing) damned fish boy, he could help but think that his brother had been... infected with some sort of fascination and tried to _meet_ with them.

So Kankri walked around the rocks, managed to put himself in a comfortable position where he could watch over his brother and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Kankri had thought it had been hours until he saw Karkat shift from lying prone on his stomach to sitting with his legs dangling over the dock. A quick check at his watch and he realized it had only been thirty minutes since he had left the house. The older brother glared at the waterproof watch before looking back at Karkat.

Only to see he talking to two, no, _three_ of the creatures.

Oh good lord.

Kankri was half tempted to pick up one of the small rocks around him and chuck it at the three mermaids (because one of them was the one he saw yesterday and _he knows that it is going to try to eat him god protect him_ ), run over and get Karkat into the house immediately. Kankri also wants to sit there and wait this out because his little brother isn't freaking out; he's just sitting there calmly and... talking to them?

The one with orange hair lets or a series of clicks and growls, gesturing at the merman on it's left with darker skin and short, cropped hair. They then let out another series of clicks and gestures to the one on its right an _oh god it's the one from yesterday Karkat run-_

But no, he instead just repeats the same clicks and growls and points to the two respectively. They let out a positive chirrup and then Karkat takes off his shirt and… Oh good lord no. He’s moving to jump into the water _while they are still there you are goi **ng to die**_ **.**

“Karkat!” Kankri shouts, revealing himself while Karkat only has one toe in the water. All the color seems to drain from Karkat’s face, and the three mermaids duck under the water. Kankri walks around the rocks and stomps towards his little brother. Karkat starts to stand up, fighting to get his shirt on and get away from the dock, but in his struggle to get his arm through the sleeve his foot slips (no) and he loses his balance and falls into the water ( _no_ ) and for all Kankri knows they might still be in the water ( ** _no_** ).

Kankri shouts his brother’s name again, now sprinting towards the edge of the dock and looking down at the waters. Where they were once clear enough where you could see the bottom is now just a swirling mess of disturbed waves and bubbles from Karkat (he’s drowning Kankri knows that they can’t swim they live in Washington for fucks sake) splashing around, trying to get to the surface. Kankri reaches out his hand, trying to grab one of the flailing limbs and pull him up towards the air so that he can breathe but he can’t reach he _can’t reach._

And then the thing from yesterday leaps out at him, connecting their lips. Kankri’s scream is muffled as soon as the kiss (why a kiss why a _kiss why is a merman kissing him_ ) is initiated, and the violet tailed thing is shoved away. It manages to grip the edge of the dock and mutter two soft words before submerging again.

“I’m sorry.”

Kankri screams down at the water, trying to rip off his shirt and pants so that he can jump in and grab Karkat before he dies (it’s too late it’s too late it’s too late). He’s about to do it when strong hands grab his shoulders and pull him back, his father trying to say something but it just makes the static in Kankri’s head worse because he needs to save his brother but he can’t because

“You’re holding me down! Karkat is dead and you won’t let me help! The water! Let me up!”

Their father looked at the end of the pier, looking at the endless expanse of blue where his youngest son’s body could appear at any moment.

Kankri is sobbing in his lap.


	2. Drown, Drown, and Feel Your Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's point of view. That's all there is to say on the matter.

Karkat lay down on the dock, looking down at the waters and waiting for Terezi to show up again. He decided against moving, at least, not until she showed up. He made sure to wear swim trunks and went against wearing any shoes so that when she showed up, Karkat could lead the way to a secluded little cove he found about a quarter mile away from the house. Kankri had left for a walk a couple of minutes ago, meaning that he had about half an hour until Kankri came back to check up on him.

In the meantime, Karkat thought about what Terezi had said yesterday, about the relationship differences between merfolk (that’s just what he’s going to call them now, easier than saying mermaids and men) and humans. Apparently it’s so complex that it would take an hour for her to explain it to him. But… maybe it’s just because they think that males get with females and vice versa only? Maybe it’s different down there, maybe anyone can get with anyone underneath the waves.

If so, he’d gladly give up his legs to swim down there.

Not only would he have someone better than his brother to talk to and live with, but he could finally be himself without being afraid of rejection. Here he was afraid of his brother and father pointing fingers and playing the blame game. He’s seen videos online where the parents had a really negative reaction to their child coming out; he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of that stick. Terezi’s world seemed infinitely better than his current life on the land.

Karkat got off of his stomach, sitting up straight and letting his legs dangle over the edge. Where _was_ she? If Terezi didn’t show up soon, Kankri would come back and force him into another lecture. Just as he was about to turn around and walk in and get a bottle of water from the house, three dark shapes swarmed the dock underwater. Terezi’s face broke the surface, along with two others he had not seen before.

“Hi Karkles!” Terezi exclaimed, lifting up one of her arms and waving at him. Karkat scowls at the nickname that the mermaid gave him, but he didn’t bother to correct it. She then placed her hand on the merman to her left. “Sorry about the long wait, but Sollux wanted to meet you and then Cronus here-” she lifted up her tail so that it was behind the other remaining merman. “Wanted to tag along for the ride.”

“So you know these two?” Karkat asks, and Sollux (that was his name, right?) scoffs and shrugs off Terezi’s hand.

“Pleathe, Terezi and I are moirail’th, that’th ath clo’the ath you can get without being red.” Karkat raised an eyebrow at the lisping merman before turning his head to Cronus.

“Don’t listen to him, he alvways acts like this when Terezi meets someone new.” Karkat then nodded, proceeding to take off his shirt and talk at the same time.

“I found a good place to talk where no one should interrupt us, even my brother.” The shirt finally came off, and he began to lower himself into the water. “We should head over there now, Kankri could be back at any mome-”

“Karkat!”

Oh fuck.

Karkat turns his head so fast he swears that he can hear his neck crack. He sees out of the corner of his eye that Terezi, Cronus and Sollux were submerging and starting to swim away from him. The teen stands up, just on the edge of the dock and struggles to get his shirt on. After he gets his right arm through, he tries to adjust his stance so that he won’t lose his balance and

Karkat knew that the dock was old, he knew that they didn’t tie boats to it anymore because it wouldn’t be able to hold them down before the wood rotted away, but he thought he knew that the dock could support his weight, even on the edge.

So when the rotting wood crumbled away, when his foot began to fall, when Karkat knew there was no hope and trying to claw onto the edge, all he could think was: “God dammit I am so screwed the moment I go back to the surface again.”`

The cold, salty water still shocked Karkat as he fell into the water, and it took him a few seconds to right himself. Terezi and the others were just barely in sight, staring at him as he fell into the ocean. He moved his arm in a sweeping motion, trying to tell the three of them to leave and that he would be fine. The teen angled himself so that he could swim right back up to the surface, letting a few air bubbles out from his mouth, and then he kicked his way up.

His shirt stopped him right as his fingertips could breach the surface. Karkat’s eyes widened, and he stared down at the bright red fabric that got caught on a piece of the splintered dock. He tugged on the shirt, trying to tear the fabric or bend the wood just to the point where he could get his mouth or nose above the water and take in a breath of air. Nothing gave, and more precious air escaped his lungs.

Karkat flew into panic, thrashing his entire body in an attempt of escape. More and more air left his lungs, and his vision was slowly being shadowed in black. He made the mistake of trying to breathe in when his lungs were demanding some form of oxygen, and he only breathed in more when he attempted to clear his lungs of water by coughing. Webbed hands grabbed his arms, and his blurry vision focused on Terezi’s face. He slowly started to go limp, and he was just on the verge of passing out (or dying, maybe he was dying) when he finally felt his shirt, or the wood, stop holding him down.

Karkat finished drowning when Cronus rushed past him to the surface.

aaa

Karkat woke up on a rock slab in a cavern. His legs, no, his lungs _burned_ and he coughed harshly. His eyes opened and, although unfocused, he could notice a few things that were slightly out of place in a cave.

Firstly, there were no visible holes that would let in light, nor any kind of visible tunnels. The sound of rippling water meant he was either near the sea, or there was a tunnel leading underwater. Remembering the last few seconds before passing out, Karkat concluded that Terezi might have brought him to an underwater cave.

But, then that would mean that he’s underwater, right? The fish swimming past his face seemed to only taunt him and whisper “ _You’re totally underwater, so you’re fucked._ ”

But if he’s underwater, then he wouldn’t be arrive, right? He shouldn’t be breathing, especially since he doesn’t have gills, there’s no way he-

Wait… no…

With a few painful grunts and perseverance, Karkat manages to sit himself up, using his elbows to support most of his upper body weight. The new things he noticed with the new perspective was that there was in fact a tunnel, he didn’t notice it before because it went through the floor, which was out of his eyesight. There was a decent sized hole above him and to the right, big enough for someone to swim through, and it let in some light. Light that was quickly fading, meaning that it was probably late in the day. Karkat had been in this area for most, if not all, of the day.

Oh, yeah, and a gigantic fish tail replaced his tail. He was still kinda freaking out over that.

The scales were a bright red, a gray, split fin was at the end. Every few seconds, when the small currents changed near him, the fin would lift upwards and drag the lower half of the tail with it. The fin was translucent, showing a very distorted, gray tinted image of the area behind it. From simply looking at his lower half, Karkat could tell that it was muscular, and it would definitely not be a good thing to be whipped in the face by one. His red shirt was missing from his torso.

How the fuck do you react to the fact that your entire lower half is different?!

Karkat tried to shout out, make a sound that would indicate anger or panic, but all that escaped his mouth were a few air bubbles that floated to the ceiling and then popped. He then let out something similar to a growl of frustration and then looked at the ground around him. It looked decently smooth, probably still wouldn’t feel nice to have any kind of flesh rub up against it, but considering that he had no muscle control at _all_ with anything lower than his hip, he didn’t really have much choice.

Pulling himself by his arms (which was surprisingly effective, since the little currents and just natural flotation kept his lower half from dragging and slowing him down) he managed to reach the small hole in the ground. However, trying to place his hand onto the side to propel him downwards ended with him hitting an invisible barrier. Frowning, he tried hitting it a couple times, only to result in a dull banging noise to be heard and a few symbols appearing on the surface of the barrier.

Karkat growled again, trying to see if there was another exit he could easily reach and crawl out of. The only other visible opening was the one in the ceiling, but for all the teen knew that one could also have an odd barrier over it. Looking around again, he noticed that not every part of the floor was completely smooth. A few bumps in the ground, possibly stalagmites that had partially formed before water flooded it at some point in the past.

Perking up slightly, he managed to sink his claws (another new thing, along with the gills that were, more than likely, on his neck like Terezi’s) into the rock and throw himself in the direction of one of the miniature stalagmites. Right as he was about to pass one, he flung out his left hand and grabbed the rock formation, using the handhold to stop his momentum. Unfortunately, he was going too fast for a simple run-and-grab tactic, so he (somehow) managed to flick his lower tail to create a small amount of momentum to counteract his first dash. It was enough to keep him from careening into the wall, but that doesn’t mean he stopped completely. His back thumped lightly against the wall, and he managed to stop and take a few deep breaths. The combination of him possibly smashing his skull into solid stone and the sudden knowledge of how to used his tail kind of needed him to take a small break.

_Simple anatomy_ , he thought, _and a hell of a lot of strength_. The tail certainly was used to propel any merfolk at a high speed; Terezi could nearly go at the speed of a motorized boat, and even Karkat, with his limited knowledge of tail physics, could god at a decent speed if he tried hard enough. But, even with the added strength, Karkat doubted he would be able to swim up to the hole and see if it was open or guarded.

_Okay_ , Karkat thought, leaning his front half forward and (slowly) bunching up his tail into a crouch-like position. _Let’s start practicing._


	3. Talk, Talk, Ignore the Judgement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kankri realizes why his brother didn't really enjoy his company.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] –  
CG: Hell9?  
CG: Are y9u Jade? Karkat has menti9ned y9u previ9usly.  
GG: karkat??????  
GG: i thought that your brother took away your laptop! what’s going on?  
GG: and why are you typing differently?  
CG: 9h, h9ld 9n for just a minute.  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has changed their text color --  
CG: This is his 6r9ther, actually. I need t9 speak t9 all 9f Karkat’s friends. I have n9 idea wh9 else w9uld 6e 9nline at this m9ment, and I d9 n9t kn9w wh9 any9ne is.  
GG: er...................  
GG: why do you need to talk to karkat’s friends? can’t you just, you know, talk to karkat?  
CG: Karkat is… unavaila6le at this m9ment. He might… never be availa6le again.  
GG: :0  
GG: what happened????  
CG: This is why I need all 9f Karkat’s cl9se friends in 9ne chat, 9r at the very least kn9wing wh9 are Karkat’s friends 9n this chat client.  
CG: Please, I cann9t d9 this al9ne.  
GG: uh, well….  
GG: the only other friend karkat talks to over here is dave! he’s turntechgodhead. i can make a memo and invite everyone, if that’s easier.  
CG: Yes. Thank y9u.  
gardenGnostic [GG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board we are totally not gay at all.  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
TG: harley i thought we agreed to move to the other board  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CG: S9 y9u are Dave?  
GG: dave, shut up! this is important, karkat’s brother has to tell us something.  
TG: why the fuck are we listening to this  
TG: and i quote  
TG: ‘RAGE INDUCING SPHINCTER FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE WORD ‘NO’ MEANS IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.’  
CG: Has Karkat really said that a69ut me?  
GG: DAVE QUIET!!!!!!!!  
GG: kankri, right? what happened to karkat?  
CG: Thank y9u, Jade.  
CG: Karkat was 9ut 6y the d9cks, and he was beginning t9 take 9f his shirt, presumably t9 swim. 9ur father did n9t c9nd9ne this, and neither d9 I, simply 6ecause we have n9 idea what lives near the c9ast and whether it c9uld 6e harmful t9 humans.  
CG: I had… sh9uted 9ut t9 him, mainly t9 get him t9 st9p, 6ut the w99d underneath his f99t wasn’t sta6le, and he fell int9 the water.  
GG: :O  
TG: whoa wait a second  
CG: Yes?  
TG: karkat said he hated water more than the us hates pakistan  
TG: there is zero way vantas went out there to swim  
CG: That’s what I saw him d9ing. I als9 th9ught 9f it as strange, Karkat d9esn’t kn9w h9w t9 swim, n9r has he ever sh9wn an interest in the activity.  
GG: we’ll talk about that later, what happened next!?  
CG: Right. I went t9 grab Karkat fr9m the water, since the d9ck is fairly high up fr9m the water. When he didn’t resurface, I 6ecame w9rried and t9ld my father what happened 6ef9re diving in myself, in case he had 6ec9me unc9nsci9us. Instead, I f9und nothing 6ut sand and st9ne.  
TG: so is vantas  
TG: you know  
CG: We have n9 idea. We’ve alerted the C9ast Guard as t9 what happened, and they are actively searching, 6ut they’ve c9me up with n9thing s9 far.  
GG: oh noooooooooooooooooooooooo..............  
TG: so then why call harley and me to a meeting about this  
TG: couldnt you have kept it to yourself  
CG: Yes, 6ut as y9u are pr96a6ly aware, Karkat is very distant t9 me. He hasn’t ever t9ld me wh9 y9u are, n9r if he had any friends 9ver the internet. He is cl9ser to c9mplete strangers than his 9wn family.  
TG: oh thats harsh  
TG: like bro is kinda distant to me and everything but at least we talk to each other regularly  
CG: Exactly. I was w9ndering if Karkat had t9ld y9u if anything has 6een tr9u6ling him recently. S9mething 9ut 9f the 9rdinary that w9uld’ve caught your attention.  
GG: how are WE supposed to know!!!!!!  
CG: Excuse me?  
GG: you take away karkat’s phone and laptop when you’re out on that dumb resort! he can’t talk to us about anything for a week, all because you want him to have this ‘family bonding’ bullcrap!!!!  
TG: harley’s got a point  
TG: he cant talk to us at all when yall are out there so we would have no idea  
TG: and honestly bro  
TG: that’s fucked up  
CG: H9w is it (trigger warning, swearing) ‘fucked up?’  
TG: because you know that karkles doesnt like talking to you  
TG: hell he hates it  
TG: your basically preventing him from being with his two only friends  
CG: I…  
GG: yeah, tell him dave!!!!  
CG: G99dbye.  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] ceased responding to memo  
GG: uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.  
TG: i can see why karkat hates him now  
GG: i know, right!

Kankri leaned back in his chair, covering his eyes with the palms of his hands. He turned his head to the right slightly and lifted up his hand, looking out the window at the sunset lit sky. The sea was a beautiful mixture of magenta, yellow, and blue.  


It had been a full six hours since Karkat had fallen into the ocean. A full six hours of Kankri blaming himself and picking at every small situation where he could’ve save Karkat and keep him from falling in. To having the monsters steal his brother. Why, why did he trust them? Why couldn’t he have been quicker and grabbed his brother? Why couldn’t he had put his fear of the beasts aside and get Karkat above water?  


Why?


End file.
